It's Black Friday day. The biggest shopping day of the year. The day when retailers revel in the chaos and utter mayhem of the world’s biggest collection of sales. The day that mall cops dread.

The lines, the traffic … the fudge kiosk at the mall. Everything is on sale. Way, on sale.

So, at the end of the day, despite having worked harder and expended more sanity (on some lady that needed to see another pair) than ever, retail workers are ready for a permanent vacation from the chaos. Been there, done that.

Please, I implore shoppers … go easy on the clerks and just buy it. Stop asking so many questions that you already know the answer to.

Black Friday is a thing we invented for ourselves and now it seems like Americans have made it bigger than the actual day of Christmas. And Thanksgiving? It’s more like Salesgiving now. What would Thanksgiving do without Black Friday?

Women pile into the minivans and fancy SUVs and race off to the nearest shopping extravaganza. They get in line early for a shot at a gift du jour, all while frantically mapping and strategizing their next move. They fight over stuff sometimes, especially when said stuff is half-off. They say terrible things, pull each other’s hair and have a tug of war over a box of highly discounted plastic and fur. The winners have an air of smugness so palpable that it’s like a vortex of proud shopper that sucks others into the Black Friday storm. The newbies realize they are doing it wrong and think to themselves “next year, next year."

I find it entertaining when people get all worked up over twelve bucks worth of savings. On the other hand, when the first 30 shoppers get 80 percent off ANYTHING, you can bet the inventory of Don’t Touch Me Elmos are going to disappear fast.

The thing about Black Friday is, if you’re a merchant and don’t do it, then you’re basically a loser in the eyes of Joan Q Shopper. How many retailers just blow it off and assume the legions of customers will come anyway? Hint: Not very many. The shop owner that does bail on the big day best have some exclusive widgets that nobody else within a 250-mile radius has when the door is unlocked Friday morning. That’s pure retail dominance and it’s a beautiful thing.

You’d think that an event that is essentially all about shopping, wouldn’t require a lecture, but here I go. If you are a male, Black Friday means you should go fishing or hunting or shoot guns or attend a sporting event or at minimum play catch with some kid. You are not required to go shopping and in fact if you do, other men very well may find you suspicious.

Guys that are standing in some field with guns in their hands, spitting and scratching themselves may say, “Hey, can you believe Chucky went shopping with the girls? What a wuss!” (heavy laughter, extra spitting).

Trust me guys, give the ladies a list. They will delight in helping you. They will likely get you a better deal anyway. Then, wait and shop for her later when there are smaller lines and lots of parking space. It’s so much easier when there is only one or two choices left by the time you go shopping. What’s better than no choice? “Sorry honey, this I was the only color they had left in the style you like. Plus, I thought mango sparkle sherbet would look nice with your skin tone."

Again, on Black Friday the women-folk go shopping and the men-folk do men-folk things. Working on the house or in the yard counts, but that’s work and if you’re lucky enough to have the day off, social activities that include fishing rods, guns, some form of inflated or hard ball, or pucks, is much preferred. If you must go shopping it should be temporary and take place at a store that sells items such as … fishing rods, guns, knives, some form of inflated or hard ball, or pucks.

On this Black Friday I’ll be working and fishing (sort of) at the same time. Being a fishing guide does have its advantages. And who am I to judge anyway? Just because a guy wants to get in touch with his sweet shoppin’ self on Black Friday, doesn’t make him a bad person. Though, he better hope there is a big sale on Man Cards because he needs to stock up.

And remember, Cyber Monday is only a couple days away. That Frabill Ice Fishing shelter you’ve been wanting aint’ gonna buy itself.

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