Dear Amy: I went out with a guy for two months last year. We met through mutual friends. Now the friends who introduced us are getting married, and I’m going to have to be around him again for the entire week of their small (fewer than 20 guests) destination wedding.
“Sam” and I never made anything official, but we were seeing each other exclusively. Then he suddenly cut contact and basically ghosted me. After six weeks of this, he eventually came to my house and we were able to talk.
This mostly made things more confusing. He said we should just be friends. Then he kissed me passionately. The rest of the conversation was the most convoluted and perplexing thing I’ve ever been party to.
He said, “I’m just not SURE about you, but if YOU want, you can be my girlfriend.”
Um, no thanks. But I did agree to be friends.
A few weeks into this “friendship” he started flirting with me again, and I called it off. I just didn’t see the point in pretending I was OK with how things ended.
I wrote him a letter explaining that although I valued the time we had together, I thought it was best for us to part ways completely. The letter was overall very respectful -- much more than he deserved -- and ultimately served as a goodbye.
Knowing that I’ll see him again, all I want is for him to explain himself. I still just want to know what really happened. I want to corner him and just be like, “What the hell?”
How do I make peace with the fact that I’ll never know what happened, even when I’m sharing a rental with him and all of our friends?
How do I stop myself from trying to figure out all his tells and body language when I’m in the same room as him? – Still Confused
Dear Confused: Generally, getting over a breakup should not take longer than the relationship itself lasted.
Forget “tells” and body language. In this age where consent is not implied but voiced, people need to be able to communicate their intentions verbally. This includes him.
You’ve written him a letter, which means that you’ve had the last word. Moving forward, you should assume that you don’t really know him, and that you probably never will. Lucky you!
Watch your alcohol consumption during this wedding week. Hang with a (different) friend who can be both a buffer and a wing man for you. Treat him politely. Don’t reveal yourself. Have an awesome time. This is the ultimate revenge.
Dear Amy: I’ve been married to an increasingly “angry white man” for over 40 years. He has always had an explosive temper. He sees himself as a victim of society’s racial deference to non-whites, and takes offense to the increasing number of TV ads with mixed-race or black actors. During our recent anniversary dinner at a nice restaurant, he became incensed that a black man and white woman were seated beside us and said, “We might have to move to another table.”
He once had a raging fit at a sushi chef about the Japanese in World War II.
I live on pins and needles. He treats me very lovingly, and our friends and acquaintances think we have a good marriage, but our values have become radically different.
He will not change, and I don’t know how to keep living like this.
It’s a bit late for divorce, but maybe that’s the only solution. Any advice? – Feeling Stuck
Dear Stuck: I think it’s time for you to say, “Bye, Felicia.”
Living on pins and needles with an explosively angry racist is no way to live.
You could invite your husband into counseling with you in order to express your true concerns about his behavior -- and the beliefs behind it -- but I think you should also be prepared to ultimately leave this long marriage. I’m sorry for your experience.
Dear Amy: “Undecided” was torn between her great career and having children.
Have a family! That great job will never take the place of putting your child to bed after a hot day and a clean bath, or the feeling you get when the baby bottles are stacked in the fridge ready for the next day.
Yeah, it’s hard, but she’s an overachiever. She should get it done. – Done It
Dear Done: Everyone is different, but the whole “bottles stacked in the fridge ready for the next day” feeling never happened for me. Not once.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.